The Hare and the Tortoise

Everyone knows the classic childrens story about the hare and the tortoise, you read it when you were a wee tot or your parents read it to you before you went to bed.

Well juxtapose this story 30+ years later and you will find me and DH as we go through the process of adoption.

So here's the situation, we have me, aka Mrs. Hare (Speedy Gonzalez) and my Hubbie, aka Mr. Tortoise (A sloth could give him a run for his money).

A couple of months ago we sat down and decided that adoption was the path that we would take to have children and start our family. To be honest half way through that discussion I was already selecting college funds and choosing the names of our future grandchilren. Seriously, I told you I am a hare, we think two generations ahead.

That was about four months ago and in my hare like mentality, I knew that by July we would have a little bundle of joy in our arms and I would be bleary eyed from late night bottle feeds and nappy changes. The reality is that I am bleary eyed, but thats from having mind numbing conversations with a certain tortoise to collect his Certificate of Good Conduct or to make an appointment with his doctor for the medical tests. I kid you not, it has taken him 2 months to drive a distance of 10kms to the police station and literally pick up his Certificate.

You see in his world, time is infinite and slow (lazy) is a good thing; our approaches to doing things are poles apart. The moment I decide to do something, I do it then and now and it will be constantly on my mind until I complete it. The moment he decides to do something, well lets just say the execution period is flexible.

Naturally this has been the cause of some not so nice conversations. Ha, ha, ha! Did I say conversations, they stopped being conversations 2 months ago now they are heading in the region of arguments. I find his pace frustrating, as I want to start a family and I wanted it yesterday. To make matters worse I now spend endless amounts of time reading about parenting, blogging about it, reading other blogs about it and generally spending too much time watching reruns of 'The Parenthood'.  Its like now that I am on this path, its the only thing that I think about, the only thing I am truly interested in.

Given that we have been together more years then I can count, I am now trying to see what can make a tortoise run like a hare.

(Did I mention that during this time, I went as far as going to a childrens home to see if the kids would like me.........I know, its neurotic, but that's a story for another day.)

Traditions: The bad and the down right ugly.

Some time during the month I picked up a popular local magazine and a Letter to the Editor caught my eye. It was written by a lady who was calling upon women with fertility issues to come out of hiding and come together to form a support group.

In the African context we don't talk about fertility issues, we just don't. Its is assumed that you will get married, have children and live happily ever after. Not being able to have kids is viewed as such a shameful thing that many women go to extreme measures to have children and in so doing, satisfy social conventions. Society does not recognise a married couple as truly married unless they have atleast 2 little tykes running around.

Fertility is a topic that I have skimmed in my blog but I feel the need to go a little deeper and in some way be in solidarity with thousands of couples out there.

I got intouch with the lady who wrote the letter with a view of getting in touch with other women who are in the process of adopting. She was rather open about her experiences and I hope this entry is not a violation of her trust. She explained how she had gone through various treatments and was still searching for a way to concieve. She explained how the women who responded to her letter expressed their pain and frustration, not being able to find someone who they could talk to or share their feelings. Majority of them had experienced extreme back lash from their in -laws and even family. She told me that her in-laws were pushing her husband to marry a second wife to bear children (divorce is not an option as, we just don't do that either).  The vows that the couple took become meaningless, some of the women were on the verge of being chased out of their homes. 

I was lost for words, what do you tell someone in such a situation? How do you find words to comfort them and make the future look brighter?

I am all for tradition but when an ideal makes another person feel useless and a disappontment then its time we changed it.

Another woman had done every test known to man and for her it was all systems go, but when the doctor suggested to her husband that he should get some tests done he went ballistic. Needless to say he is quite OK with his wife being gossiped, ridiculed and suffering verbal abuse from his mother as long as she keeps his secret, so she suffers in silence.

The stories were heart breaking, twisted and down right ugly. While its not representative of the entire community, I now say a prayer for women who are going through difficult situations, that they will find a way through the bleakness and will not peg their value on what they cannot control, its my prayer that you will too.

So, to my new friend, know that you are opening up a gate for many women out there, be strong for those who can't be.

Nostalgia

Well it has been quite a while since the last time I blogged. My excuse is that work has and still is crazy, with  so much going on I feel like things are spiraling a bit out of control. I wonder how working mothers are able to do what they do, I raise my hat to them.

But a lot has happened since then, I went to apply for my certificate of good conduct. Its not a complicated process but the day that I went, actually I snuck out of the office, for what was supposed to be an hour but turned out to be the worst day to apply. I was at the police offices for a good 2 hours with an additional 2 hours worth of traffic thrown in for good measure (It should have taken me 30 mins). A certificate of good conduct generally verifies that you don't have a criminal record or a predisposition to breaking the law. So the day I went also happened to be gob smack in the middle of the recruitment process for applicants to the armed forces and lucky me, the busiest day they had ever seen as it was towards the deadline for applicants. So there I was with about 200+ eager recruits and a cell phone ringing off the hook. But looking at the faces of the 20 something year old applicants I couldn't help but feel a twinge of envy. They had their whole lives ahead of them, the world was still a joyous and wondrous place full of opportunities. They probably looked at me and wondered what I was doing in the que with them. Honestly at that age I had it all figured out, I wasn't going to marry neither was I planning to have children, I was going to be a free spirit living in the moment.

So here I am 10+ years later, married and trying to have children, with a mortgage, worrying about paying bills and basically conforming to the stereotype.I don't regret the path my life has taken but I do miss the ability to sleep at night without worrying getting good references for our adoption application.

In the end I completed my application, didn't get fired and look forward to the future.

Persective... and two lessons learnt

For a first time blogger I didn't know that a few words of solidarity and encouragement from people who neither know me nor have a reason to care could be quite so soul uplifting.

Thanks guys.

Reading one comment from a lady facing a similar challenge made me think that I was taking a lot of things too personally, that it was just part of the process. Indeed, if I was going to react the way I did every time I hit a brick wall I was going to end up with a.) A permanent migraine b.) A very cracked and damaged wall and c). No energy left to do anything else. At this rate, I probably wouldn't make it to winter or, since I am in Africa, the next rainy season.

In fact a constant area of reflection in a forum I joined Adoptive Families Circle (It's an American group but I don't think they mind me tagging in) is how as expectant or experienced adoptive parents, we tend to wear our emotions on our sleeves and sometimes read hidden meanings into things that just are what they are. I guess I should be made the poster child probably have my face on a poster or T shirt with a warning, "Fragile - Handle With Care, likely to crack at the slightest provocation, Kid gloves to be used at all times."

One lady in the group wrote about how she has learned to laugh off a lot of the silly comments people make and the upsets she faced. Her posting was hilarious and I cracked up at the things she said, I have to look for the post and put the link up.

So where am I going with this, in these 2 incidents I have started to learn that..

1.  Being turned down was not a reflection on my character, or my ability to being a good parent. It was simply what it was 'someone making their choice the way they thought was right'. Over analyzing and going back and forth can only send you 3 steps back when you should be moving forward.

2. After my church incident I called my sister-in-law and did what I should have done at the beginning ASK FOR HELP. She pointed out that we have a family minister who would be more then willing to give us a recommendation. So we booked an appointment and went to see him, we talked and 1 hour later I had my recommendation in hand, I was ecstatic, it was a small victory but it felt like I had won the war. Help and support is important and can come from places where you weren't expecting, like from someone reading my amateurish blog and jotting down a few comments.

So that's my story for the day, I didn't mean to sound preachy or all knowing and wise because that's so far from what I am. I will probably  forget some of the lessons of the day and drift back to neurosis but its allowed I think, every once in a while.

Why its called a journey not a smooth ride

Sometimes I forget that adoption is a journey, I take it for granted that the people around me will be willing to help me and be just as thrilled and excited as I am about it. However life always throws you a curve ball and has a way of pointing out the realties when you need to see them and in the process teach you a few lessons.

Case in point, the other day I set off to see my local church minister. In my hand was my rather worn out A4 envelople where I keep the mind numbing list of forms that I need to have filled out in order to present my application.

Now for those who don't know, when adopting you need a character reference from a lawyer, government employee or church minister.

'What could be more solid and convincing then a recommendation from my church,' I thought to myself. I would go in see my local church minister who would leap at the chance to help us with a recommendation. I could already see him looking at me with understanding eyes commending me on the brave step I was taking and wondering why more people did not adopt in a country where abandoned and neglected chilren are an all too common sight. We would then set up a couple of appointments where my hubby and me could be vetted and recieve spiritual support.

Wrong, wrong, wrong.............wrong!

After waiting a good 1 1/2hrs to see him I was summoned into the office of a rather busy and distracted looking man. He barely looked up from the papers he was reading, no doubt thinking about next Sundays sermon. When he finally glanced at me he saw my envelope and proclaimed that he was not signing any forms for students seeking HELB loans (Govt. University loans). After clearing my throat, in a little squeaky and very intimidated voice, I told him I was there seeking an adoption recommendation. Finally I had his attention, but not in a good way.

He told me that he was not signing my reccommendation either, as adoption was very serious matter, (Hmm...mmm really, a serious matter, and here I was thinking it was fun and games.) Infact, he had just rejected the same request from 2 other couples earlier that day (heck, he was on a roll), I was unlucky No. 3. He didn't stop there, for apparently he had once seen an irresponsible couple return a child to the orphanage after a messy divorce (It's illegal and I wonder how they were allowed to get away with it). I guess that one incident had now left all couples branded in his eyes as jokers with no consideration for parental responsibility.

I was completely thrown to say the least, this was not how I thought it would go.....I was in the house of God, where one goes for help and advice. My dumb founded look got his attention and he informed me that he would only sign my papers if I joined one of the various church groups and then agreed to be vetted by the members on my suitability to parent. I wanted to tell him that my adoption reccommendation was not a platform for public debate or inspection, that I didn't need some strangers poking through my life and asking me persoanl questions, no matter how well meaning. That his attitude was possibly scaring countless couples who were already in a vulnerable state from possible becoming some of the best parents ever.

But I didn't.

Instead I could feel my face heat up and tears form threatening to totally embarass me. I grabbed my tattered envelope and walked (Ok, sprinted) out of his office. As I sat in my car I thought some quite ungodly thoughts about the church....something along the lines of how they never vetted my suitability to contribute money whenever they asked. I know it was a bad thing to think but I was hurt, stunned and unprepared for rejection.

I drove home and basically cried my eyes out, I don't know why I was so sensitive about it but I had a good solid hour of sobbing and plotting unchristian retorts that I should have made. Finally, I made my peace with the situation, I wasn't mad at God, I was mad at myself for thinking that I deserved everything to go easy for me. Even after reading various blogs about the struggles people go through it had never sunk in. I selfishly figured that, that was them, it would be different for me.

I now realize that nothing this important can be an easy ride, the bumps and heartache you encounter can be loosely likened to what a mother who is expectant goes through. You have your good days and your bad days without which one would fail to appreciate the blessings at the end, the gift of what God had in store.

So I am more positive and open minded now, I am still young in my journey and its no smooth ride but I am prepared to expect the unexpected. I take this time as my growing pains, my 'nine months' to prepare emotionally and spiritually to bringing a child into my world.

The Process in Summary

I guess I should have started my story with an explanation of what the process entails....my bad, I guess I was caught up ranting and raving about everything else that I forgot.

Anywhere here is the proces from a flyer I picked up from my agency, its not an endorsement of their services but just an indication of how lazy I am to type out the process myself.

I am still at the formal application stage.......but they tell me that it should take about 4 - 6 weeks from application, till when I will be paired with a child (Yipee!).

Putting Myself Out There

Today I joined an adoption network forum. It was scary.....scary because it means I open myself up to more people knowing my intentions. So far just a handful of people know that we are intending to adopt. Don't get me wrong, I am not ashamed, infact I am quite excited. However, it means that our plans are now out there in the public arena. Before it was our personal journey, our special  secret that people had no clue about.

I guess when its just the two of us who know I am able to insulate myself, to protect myself from public opinion. Most of the times I  meet family and friends I have to contend with prying questions from well intentioned and some not very well intentioned people. Questions on why we haven't had a child yet, references to 'good' doctors who can help us, to downright personal questions. I remember my husbands grandmother and aunty from upcountry trying to direct me to a traditional medicine man to see if someone had cast a spell on me or given me the evil eye. But I love them dearly and understand that in their understanding, thats how they make sense of it.

So, it's there now, to open up the topic so that other couples who are in our position can have even a smidgen of support.

Reading and reading.......reading

Of late I have become obsessed with trying to get any available piece of information about adoption. The internet is full of blogs and forums that detail different couples experiences regarding their adoption. Right now I am only reading the good experiences, I guess I can't bring myself to read any negative experiences parents have had. I just don't think I want to handle it plus I already have enough challenges around me :-).

It's interesting reading these peoples experiences it's the same muddled up emotions what ever the ethnicity or country the writer comes from. I guess human emotions when you get down to it are all the same, we wonder if we will choose the right child that fits our family, will we bond, what about the birth parents?

The Kenyan adoption process seems to be slightly different from the US process. Here you choose the child, I guess cause so many children are in need of a home and so few people adopt, it's a sad situation. This has made me a bit aprehensive, how will I look at 10, 20, who knows how many, and then choose one. Should I expect a flutter in my heart the way you feel when you first fall in love? Will that be the sign that the child infront of me is the one? What happens if I don't feel anything for any of the children, does that mean something is wrong with me?

The Beginning

I always knew that I would one day adopt a child, tt was something that I had harped about when I was younger. My parents would smile at me indulgently and pass it on as one of those things kids say, from wanting to be an air hostess, lawyer, tailor, candle stick maker.

So life went on through its natural progression school, the craziness of a misspent youth in my college days and marriage.I have been married to my hubby for a couple of years and after successive years of trying for a child we decided that it was time to reasses the situation. We sat down and had a heart to heart, were we going to keep trying or would we look at other options. He actually brought up the topic of adoption something I was in agreement with, somehow I figured that was the path God had set out for us.

I then began the crazy search on the internet to find out how to go about it, I googled every possible combination of words trying to get real life Kenyan experiences but the info was limited. Luckily for me, a friend of mine had recently had a chance encounter with a lady who worked at an adoption agency and after a few calls we agred to meet.

So I drove to the agency and was taken through the process, the number of document required and the intrusive questions that one has to contend with almost put me off, yet this was just the beginning! I remember sitting in my car at the end of the session wondering how many people never make it back to the second meeting. Looking at the envelope infront of me filled with forms that needed an array of people to fill out....... I had to wonder, "Can we do this and make it work?"

The task ahead is daunting, we have to tell our family of our plans (this is recommended prior to the actual adoption), get medical tests done, certificates of good conduct from the police, financial records......it's daunting.

But I have this image of a little boy waiting for me to bring him home and I know I can do this...

Why I decided to start a blog

I have never been a big fan of public confession and baring ones soul to scrutiny. I guess I am one of those people who you would call 'very private'. Don't get me wrong, I have always admired other people's ability to share with others and I am slightly envious of their ability to find carthasis so easily. Maybe the issue stems from the African setting or from my days spent in Catholic schools? Who knows? But thats a topic for another day.

Today, I encountered the deep insensitivity that people exhibit when the issue of adoption comes up. This callous encounter led me to ask myself, 'Who can I turn to who can relate to my experience, who can understand my distress'.I thought of calling my best pal, but as much as we share alot, could she really relate?  I searched to my trusty google to see if there was an online forum in Kenya that I culd turn to but alas! None to be found.

So I startedt my blog, my own carthasis about the trials, joys, ups and downs on my road to adopting my child. Its a journey that started a few weeks ago and one that I hope may help someone else discover a soul mate, comrade or just plain sister who can relate to.