The Hare and the Tortoise

Everyone knows the classic childrens story about the hare and the tortoise, you read it when you were a wee tot or your parents read it to you before you went to bed.

Well juxtapose this story 30+ years later and you will find me and DH as we go through the process of adoption.

So here's the situation, we have me, aka Mrs. Hare (Speedy Gonzalez) and my Hubbie, aka Mr. Tortoise (A sloth could give him a run for his money).

A couple of months ago we sat down and decided that adoption was the path that we would take to have children and start our family. To be honest half way through that discussion I was already selecting college funds and choosing the names of our future grandchilren. Seriously, I told you I am a hare, we think two generations ahead.

That was about four months ago and in my hare like mentality, I knew that by July we would have a little bundle of joy in our arms and I would be bleary eyed from late night bottle feeds and nappy changes. The reality is that I am bleary eyed, but thats from having mind numbing conversations with a certain tortoise to collect his Certificate of Good Conduct or to make an appointment with his doctor for the medical tests. I kid you not, it has taken him 2 months to drive a distance of 10kms to the police station and literally pick up his Certificate.

You see in his world, time is infinite and slow (lazy) is a good thing; our approaches to doing things are poles apart. The moment I decide to do something, I do it then and now and it will be constantly on my mind until I complete it. The moment he decides to do something, well lets just say the execution period is flexible.

Naturally this has been the cause of some not so nice conversations. Ha, ha, ha! Did I say conversations, they stopped being conversations 2 months ago now they are heading in the region of arguments. I find his pace frustrating, as I want to start a family and I wanted it yesterday. To make matters worse I now spend endless amounts of time reading about parenting, blogging about it, reading other blogs about it and generally spending too much time watching reruns of 'The Parenthood'.  Its like now that I am on this path, its the only thing that I think about, the only thing I am truly interested in.

Given that we have been together more years then I can count, I am now trying to see what can make a tortoise run like a hare.

(Did I mention that during this time, I went as far as going to a childrens home to see if the kids would like me.........I know, its neurotic, but that's a story for another day.)

Traditions: The bad and the down right ugly.

Some time during the month I picked up a popular local magazine and a Letter to the Editor caught my eye. It was written by a lady who was calling upon women with fertility issues to come out of hiding and come together to form a support group.

In the African context we don't talk about fertility issues, we just don't. Its is assumed that you will get married, have children and live happily ever after. Not being able to have kids is viewed as such a shameful thing that many women go to extreme measures to have children and in so doing, satisfy social conventions. Society does not recognise a married couple as truly married unless they have atleast 2 little tykes running around.

Fertility is a topic that I have skimmed in my blog but I feel the need to go a little deeper and in some way be in solidarity with thousands of couples out there.

I got intouch with the lady who wrote the letter with a view of getting in touch with other women who are in the process of adopting. She was rather open about her experiences and I hope this entry is not a violation of her trust. She explained how she had gone through various treatments and was still searching for a way to concieve. She explained how the women who responded to her letter expressed their pain and frustration, not being able to find someone who they could talk to or share their feelings. Majority of them had experienced extreme back lash from their in -laws and even family. She told me that her in-laws were pushing her husband to marry a second wife to bear children (divorce is not an option as, we just don't do that either).  The vows that the couple took become meaningless, some of the women were on the verge of being chased out of their homes. 

I was lost for words, what do you tell someone in such a situation? How do you find words to comfort them and make the future look brighter?

I am all for tradition but when an ideal makes another person feel useless and a disappontment then its time we changed it.

Another woman had done every test known to man and for her it was all systems go, but when the doctor suggested to her husband that he should get some tests done he went ballistic. Needless to say he is quite OK with his wife being gossiped, ridiculed and suffering verbal abuse from his mother as long as she keeps his secret, so she suffers in silence.

The stories were heart breaking, twisted and down right ugly. While its not representative of the entire community, I now say a prayer for women who are going through difficult situations, that they will find a way through the bleakness and will not peg their value on what they cannot control, its my prayer that you will too.

So, to my new friend, know that you are opening up a gate for many women out there, be strong for those who can't be.

Nostalgia

Well it has been quite a while since the last time I blogged. My excuse is that work has and still is crazy, with  so much going on I feel like things are spiraling a bit out of control. I wonder how working mothers are able to do what they do, I raise my hat to them.

But a lot has happened since then, I went to apply for my certificate of good conduct. Its not a complicated process but the day that I went, actually I snuck out of the office, for what was supposed to be an hour but turned out to be the worst day to apply. I was at the police offices for a good 2 hours with an additional 2 hours worth of traffic thrown in for good measure (It should have taken me 30 mins). A certificate of good conduct generally verifies that you don't have a criminal record or a predisposition to breaking the law. So the day I went also happened to be gob smack in the middle of the recruitment process for applicants to the armed forces and lucky me, the busiest day they had ever seen as it was towards the deadline for applicants. So there I was with about 200+ eager recruits and a cell phone ringing off the hook. But looking at the faces of the 20 something year old applicants I couldn't help but feel a twinge of envy. They had their whole lives ahead of them, the world was still a joyous and wondrous place full of opportunities. They probably looked at me and wondered what I was doing in the que with them. Honestly at that age I had it all figured out, I wasn't going to marry neither was I planning to have children, I was going to be a free spirit living in the moment.

So here I am 10+ years later, married and trying to have children, with a mortgage, worrying about paying bills and basically conforming to the stereotype.I don't regret the path my life has taken but I do miss the ability to sleep at night without worrying getting good references for our adoption application.

In the end I completed my application, didn't get fired and look forward to the future.